I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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