So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize