You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize