is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
