I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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