My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
