some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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