Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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