I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
