I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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