i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
