Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
