is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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