someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm at about main and main street
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
