I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
