Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
