what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
