i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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