toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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