It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
