I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
