it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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