After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
