What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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