I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
