Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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