He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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