Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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