he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
