my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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