he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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