i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
