My nipple is on Facebook.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
