I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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