Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
