Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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