You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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