Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
