I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
