We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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