When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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