I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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