we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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