Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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