I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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