Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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