Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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