Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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