I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
