just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
