mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
