Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
