the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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