I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
