Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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