just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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