well I can't set my house on fire every night
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
