I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
