I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
