i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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