I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I AM VODKA MAN
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize