i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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