So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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