I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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