dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
