Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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