she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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